Praise be to Allaah.

There are many problems that are faced in Muslim family life, and they vary according to the social, economic and psychological situation, but one of the most serious problems is when the children suffer because of their parents’ behaviour. That is because the parents should surround their children with love and care, meeting their needs and paying attention to their psychological well being, but when there are problems, the situation is reversed, and advice is usually directed to the children to be patient because of what they are going through due to their parents’ problems.  

This is a call to the new generation to figure out how they can benefit from this experience and play the role of parents that Allaah will give to them. No one can be excused for ignorance or lack of knowledge, as the previous generation may have been excused, because information about the ways of giving a proper Islamic upbringing is something that has become available nowadays, and no one is incapable of learning that except one who is hopeless.  

We will admit to you first and foremost that what we are going to say may sound as if it is belittling the problems – which are in fact serious – but we tell you that there is nothing wrong with that; if thinking little of the problem will help us to cope with it and reduce its impact on us, then that is a good thing, and this is part of the solution. 

There are two parties involved in this problem: one is you and the other is your family: your mother, your father and your sister. Most of what we are going to say is addressed to you, as you are the one who is complaining and you are the one who is being wronged, as it seems to us from your letter.  

If that sounds as if we are taking a simple approach to dealing with the problem, then let it be so. Neither you nor we want to make the problem more complicated and to fan the flames of enmity. What we want is a solution, regardless of the angle from we approach the problem. What matters is that we solve the problem if we can or – at the very least – we do not make it more complicated. 

If your father would listen to us, we would tell him: You are primarily responsible and yours is the main role, because you are in charge of the household and you are the shepherd who will be asked about your flock. But he did not ask us and we do not think that he will listen to us! 

If your mother would listen to us, we would tell her: Fear Allaah with regard to your children, for their rights are equal and treating them fairly is obligatory: “Fear Allaah and treat your children fairly.” (Agreed upon; this version narrated by al-Bukhaari). 

If your mother would listen to us, we would tell her: “Those who are fair and just will be with Allaah on thrones of light, at the right hand of the Most Merciful, may He be glorified and exalted, and both of His hands are right hands, those who are fair and just in their rulings and towards their families and those who are under their authority.” Narrated by Muslim (1837).  

We could say a great deal, if the other party in this problem were listening to us. 

But now we have no choice but to address our words to just one party, which is you, and we must place the burden of finding a solution on one person, which is you. You are the only one involved in this problem that can listen to us.  

It is clear that you are facing a crisis in communicating with your mother. This is the reality that we must deal with first of all. Do not try to overlook it or refuse to acknowledge it or admit this problem. That is the cause of your frustration and anger that you feel when you deal with your mother, which is a sign that you do not recognize the problem and you do not want to face it.  

The correct way to begin dealing with this is to start by understanding the truth which is affirmed in the Qur’aan, where Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): 

“And whatever of misfortune befalls you, it is because of what your hands have earned. And He pardons much”

[al-Shoora 42:30]. 

Changing any situation can only start with the people involved, not with anyone else, and it only starts when they realize that change starts with them and not with anyone else. 

So it is essential that you recognize your own shortcomings in your dealings with your family, and work to deal with them or change them. These shortcomings do not necessarily result from bad attitudes on your part, but there may have been some mistake in the way you dealt with the problem. From what you said in your question, I can point out some of them: 

-         Things that are recommended and mustahabb should not be a cause of arguments and disputes. The command to reconcile and bring people together is more important than the interests served by doing these mustahabb actions. If you have been the cause of some of the disputes by insisting on doing things that are at most recommended, then I hope that you will re-examine the matter. 

-         The mother’s checking on her daughter’s expenditure and trying to control it is a good thing; the only negative aspect about it is if she goes to extremes in that.  

-         Reacting quickly and angrily is the cause of all problems and will never lead to a solution. The one who wants to get what he hopes for must conceal in his heart some of his feelings of annoyance.  

It was narrated from Ibn ‘Umar (may Allaah have mercy on him) that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “There is no draught that brings a greater reward with Allaah that a draught of anger that a man swallows (suppresses), seeking thereby the Face of Allaah” Narrated by Ibn Majaah (4189); classed as hasan by al-Iraqi in Takhreej al-Ihya’ (4/163). 

You can learn more about dealing with being quick to anger in the answers to questions no. 658 and 45647. 

I think that, praise be to Allaah, you have some of the keys to reducing your distress. Allaah has blessed you with a job, and money soothes hearts. 

It was narrated from Abu Hurayrah (may Allaah be pleased with him) that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Exchange gifts and you will love one another.” Narrated by al-Bukhaari in al-Adab al-Mufrad (208); classed as hasan by al-Iraqi in Takhreej al-Ihya’ (2/53) and by Ibn Hajar in Buloogh al-Maraam (277) and by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Adab al-Mufrad. 

With gifts you can win your father’s, mother’s and sister’s hearts. You can offer different kinds of gifts, things, money, furnishings for the house, or a trip to a nice place. That will have a big impact on them, in sha Allaah. 

Your sister is the key to another solution, if you can get along with her and draw close to her, so that she can help you in what you are trying to do. If you lose her that will mean that you have failed in that, so do not try to put blame on her too – even if that is the case – but when a person checks himself and recognizes the problem, then he will certainly solve it.  

You should remember that a mother’s heart is filled with compassion towards her child, no matter how hard-hearted and harsh she may appear. So try to bring forth all the compassion that is in your mother’s heart, by being loving, humble, kind and patient. I do not think that if you throw yourself into your mother’s lap and kiss her hand and weep whilst speaking words of love and complaining about the troubles and pains you are facing, that you will come away empty-handed, rather I hope that your mother will turn out to be better than you think.  

Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): 

“The good deed and the evil deed cannot be equal. Repel (the evil) with one which is better (i.e. Allaah orders the faithful believers to be patient at the time of anger, and to excuse those who treat them badly) then verily he, between whom and you there was enmity, (will become) as though he was a close friend”

[Fussilat 41:34]. 

And it was narrated that the character of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) was such that he did not repay evil with evil, rather he used to pardon and forgive. Narrated by al-Bukhaari (2125). 

Those who are most entitled to being treated with kindness and tolerance are the parents, because of the great rights that Allaah has given them, as He says (interpretation of the meaning): 

“And lower unto them the wing of submission and humility through mercy, and say: ‘My Lord! Bestow on them Your Mercy as they did bring me up when I was young’”

[al-Isra’ 17:24]. 

A good attitude means putting up with mistreatment and annoyance from loved ones, so how about one’s parents? 

It was narrated that  Ibn ‘Abbaas (may Allaah be pleased with them) said: “The believer is restrained, and he cannot attain true faith until he has tasted humiliation.” 

‘Ali ibn Abi Taalib addressed his companions and said: Be among the people like a bee among birds, for there is no bird that does not regard it as weak, but if it knew what is in its belly it would not do that. Deal with people with a good attitude and sweet words, and be kind and sincere to them, for each man will have what he earns and on the Day of Resurrection he will be with those whom he loves. 

And it was narrated that Muhammad ibn al-Hanafiyyah said: He is not forbearing who does not treat with kindness the one who he has no choice but to deal with him, until Allaah grants him a way out. 

These reports were narrated by Ibn Abi’l-Dunya in his book Madaaraat al-Naas (37, 27, 41). 

What matters is that you should strive to change the ways in which you are used to speaking to your mother, and think about every idea that could reach her heart. Do not ever feel helpless or say, I tried but I failed. Seek the help of Allaah always. 

Finally: 

Your mother’s bad treatment is not the end of the world. This world is filled with good opportunities and with good people, whether they are relatives, neighbours or friends, with whom a person spends his days. He should be good to all people and treat them well. This is the greatest message the Muslim carries in his life. 

It was narrated from Jaabir (may Allaah be pleased with him) that the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Among the dearest of you to me and those who will sit closest to me on the Day of Resurrection are the best of you in attitude.” Narrated by al-Tirmidhi (2018). He said: it is hasan ghareeb. It was also classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Tirmidhi. 

The Standing Committee was asked: 

The questioner lives in the same house as his parents, but he is always arguing with his mother and keeps forsaking her. The reason for that is that his mother shows preference to his younger brother but describes him in the worst terms and swears at him for the most trivial reasons, and he has developed a psychological complex and he is too lenient with his brother, even if he treats him in the worst ways. He has become spoiled with no psychological complex. His father also mistreats him a great deal; he returns his greetings only rarely, and he sometimes beats him in front of other people for the slightest reason, but he does not beat his younger brother even if he behaves very badly, Is the one who is mistreated by his parents required to honour them and uphold ties with them as others are required to do? Is he sinning if he provokes arguments even though he tries hard to avoid them?  After that happens, he regrets it and he gives charity on their behalf without them realizing. Will they be rewarded for that and will he also be rewarded? Will that reduce his sins, even though this charity is very little? 

They replied: 

The parents may be excused for what they do, and they may have reasons for being more strict with one of their children than another, such as if he is older or more mature than another, in which case a mistake on his part is more serious, or if they discipline him to straighten him out so that he will be an example to his younger siblings. Even if we assume that they are mistreating him, it is not permissible for the child to respond to their mistreatment in kind, rather he should respond with that which is better, in accordance with the words of Allaah (interpretation of the meaning): 

Repel (the evil) with one which is better (i.e. Allaah orders the faithful believers to be patient at the time of anger, and to excuse those who treat them badly) then verily he, between whom and you there was enmity, (will become) as though he was a close friend”

[Fussilat 41:34] 

“But if they (both) strive with you to make you join in worship with Me others that of which you have no knowledge, then obey them not; but behave with them in the world kindly, and follow the path of him who turns to Me in repentance and in obedience. Then to Me will be your return, and I shall tell you what you used to do”

[Luqmaan 31:15]. 

Allaah enjoins the son to behave kindly with his parents, even if they strive to make him associate others with Allaah, and shirk is the worst of major sins, and He enjoins him to adhere to the straight path of Allaah, and tells him that the reward of all with be with Him on the Day of Resurrection. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) also enjoined honouring one’s parents and warned against disobeying them, and he stated that disobedience to parents is a major sin. So you are to be thanked for your regret at provoking arguments and forsaking them, and for giving charity on their behalf. If you tell them about that, it is hoped that it will create harmony and make them love you, and there is the hope that both you and them will be rewarded and that your sin and theirs will be forgiven, for Allaah multiplies good deeds. As for the parents, what they should do is treat their children fairly, because the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Fear Allaah and treat your children fairly.” 

Fataawa al-Lajnah al-Daa’imah (25/123-125). 

We ask Allaah to guide you and to open the doors of His mercy and bounty to you. 

And Allaah knows best.